If you read my About Me page, you’ll know that I’m here to write about the hard questions in marriage that you might need to hear, but that no one else is saying. This is something that I’ve been wanting to write about for years, but was held back in fear. In order to publicly confront these hard questions – I knew I’d ALSO have to confront any harsh criticisms I was bound to receive. So I decided to create this FAQ page in response to some of the questions I imagine I might someday be asked.
1) Is this blog only focused on cisgender heteronormative marriages? What about those couples that don’t believe in the constructs of marriage? Or are in non-monogamous marriages?
Let’s just tackle the hardest questions first, shall we?
Yes, I admit that I write from the perspective of a more traditional understanding of marriage: man-woman, monogamous, life-long. This is the kind of marriage I’m in, as well as the kind of marriage the majority of people hope to experience and the audience I write for. However, many of my posts can apply to any long-term committed relationship. While I will continue to write about the truths about marriage from my own marriage perspective, anyone is welcome to take my advice and apply it to their own life and their own relationships. Please know that my intention in this blog is not to divide nor politicize, but to strengthen spouses’ marriage commitments to each other.
2) Do you think that EVERY marriage can and should be saved? What about adulterous/abusive/neglectful/sexless/etc marriages?
Unfortunately, I don’t think all marriages can be saved and I think that there are a few cases (that I plan to write more in-dept about soon) where it truly is in the best interest for spouses to separate. However, I think these instances are rarer than the current divorce rate indicates, i.e. I think that many marriages that end in divorce could have been saved.
I believe that far too many couples nowadays give up and divorce as soon as the going gets tough, largely because they lack support on how to endure the hard times of marriage. Couples who have survived really bad times often don’t talk about it — partly due to the all-too-common marriage advice being doled out (that I personally believe is ultimately damaging to relationships) of “don’t speak negative about your spouse/marriage to anyone outside of it“. So when we find ourselves lost and stuck in our own marriages, we feel we have no choice BUT to divorce. Right? Since that’s what it seems everyone else does?
So no, I don’t think every marriage can be saved. But I think that most can – as long as both partners are willing to make the changes within themselves as necessary. Additionally, I think that today’s culture of common, no-fault, easy divorce only does a disservice to and diminishes the severity of the circumstances that led to those who divorced for serious and tragic reasons.
3) We’re Christian/Jewish/Baha’i/agnostic/atheist/multi-faith/etc. Will your blog posts apply to us?
I hope so – that’s one of my biggest goals with this blog! When my husband and I were struggling the most in our marriage, I went to the internet for advice. Though well-intentioned, much of the advice I found was skewed only toward one faith perspective…a faith perspective than both my husband and I did not share together. Though possibly good advice, any wisdom this advice held was unfortunately lost on deaf ears. I’m thankful that religious communities are often the most supportive of marriage relationships – but I strongly feel that if we want to affect the culture of marriage then we need to recognize how and why strong committed marriages are good for humanity as a whole, regardless of and inclusive to any faith perspective.
I try to write all my posts not with a “secular” audience in mind, but with a “non-sectarian” audience in mind. Meaning that I strive to write in a way that does not just appeal to those who define themselves as secularists, but to a wide-appeal audience comprised by those who consider themselves religious, spiritual, atheistic, or uncertain – anyone who values the commitment of marriage as a human good. Though I admit that several of my posts have a philosophical/spiritual bent to them, I strive to write in a way that still remains accessible to all.
4) I’m newly divorced & I think your blog is judgmental against those of us who’ve left bad marriages. How can you say you think my marriage could’ve been saved? You don’t know my story or what happened in my marriage!
You’re right. I don’t know your story or what happened in your marriage. I can’t judge you — only YOU can reflect back on your previous marriage and what happened within it. As I stated above, I do think that there are unfortunately some instances where a marriage cannot be saved and it is better for individuals to separate. Perhaps your marriage fell into one of those instances. I don’t know your story.
None of us can change the past. All we can affect is the future. Whether or not your previous marriage could’ve been saved and/or what led to its’ dissolution is something that I cannot pass judgement on. It’s through your own self-reflection that you’ll gain the insight and growth necessary to apply to a more successful, future, relationship and I hope that you can still glean advice and encouragement from my writings.
5) Isn’t it hypocritical for you to write about marriage like you’re some kind of expert, meanwhile you and your husband still argue/fight/disagree and have your own issues?
I don’t know if anyone is actually asking this question, but it’s still a question I’ve had to internally confront. No, my husband and I aren’t perfect. Neither is our marriage. And yes, sometimes it’s really freakin’ weird to put myself and my marriage out there like this.
Just recently, KP and I and the kids were hanging out with another family. Luckily we’ve been friends with them for a looong time now and we’re both old and married enough that we don’t have to pretend that we’re perfectly perfect all the time. Still….while hanging out with them, KP and I had, um, an embarrassing and somewhat ugly interaction. RIGHT in front of our friends. I remember thinking in my head while in the middle if it: ‘well, crap. Here I am, supposed to be blogging about how other people are supposed to handle confrontations in their marriage, and here I am totally failing at this in my own marriage right now — these friends of ours are going to think we’re frauds‘.
This is a heavy load to bear. To put myself (and by extension KP, and can I just say how awesome he is for allowing me to share all this about us? This takes a lot of guts on his part as well) in front of others this way. Please know that we’re not perfect either. We stay together because we believe that commitment in marriage is a good thing…but we’re very different people figuring out a joined life together. We have our failures and successes just like everyone else. I hope you don’t judge us too harshly for our failures, though I unfortunately know that it’s possible you still may.
5) Do you only write about marriage in this blog?
No. I consider myself a “lifestyle” blogger, meaning that I blog about multiple facets of my life. While marriage is my largest topic (because there is a dearth of honest, non-sectarian, marriage encouragement out there), I also blog about #momlife and family life (since marriage and family are often tied together), as well as the reality of our real life while living in a world of make believe (L.A./Hollywood). I believe that individuals are complex and multi-faceted, just as I am too.