It took KP and I two years before I got pregnant with my first child. There was a lot of emotion and frustration and impatience and stress during that time time of trying so that when I did end up pregnant, I tried to be ultra-sensitive to anyone else who might still be trying to conceive. I hardly ever talked about the daily realities of being pregnant. I tried to never complain. I felt almost like i wasn’t “allowed” to. After all, I should be so happy to be pregnant – and I was – that I felt guilty ever being negative about anything.
And truly, for the most part, that pregnancy was very easy. I enjoyed being pregnant and the interesting changes taking place in my body and experiencing the process as it unfolded. Even if a bit physically uncomfortable. I worked from home, in a job I was happy with, that had a lot of flexibility and offered me plenty of time to daydream about and plan for our future child.
When I was pregnant with our second child, there was a lot of tough stuff going on in our little world. Finances, marriage, career, everything. It was just a tough time. I felt guilty being pregnant. It was an “irresponsible” time to be pregnant. No one had to tell me, but I knew. I remember being on the phone with credit card companies, having to explain our current financial situation in hopes of settling credit card debts, and just knowing that they were secretly judging me when I’d tell them our family size was expanding. Same thing when I was trying to apply for Medi-Cal. I knew I was being lumped into the category of “stupid women getting pregnant when they can’t afford another child”. And I hated it.
So still, I felt like I wasn’t “allowed” to complain about any of it. After all, I’d brought it on myself. I’d willingly allowed myself to become pregnant at a time when we were having trouble balancing expenses. Pregnancy was a bit harder that time around, as it always is after your first when you have another toddler/preschooler to chase around, but when you’re struggling, all you can do is focus instead on the things you’re thankful for – and so I tried very hard to never publicly complain during that pregnancy either.
This third pregnancy, though? It’s been different in so many ways. It’s the first time we did an actual big pregnancy announcement. And, even though we were open to the pregnancy and kind of wanted a third child anyways – I’ve had a much harder time this time around accepting it. Here I am now, with a very clearly pregnant belly, and kicks and movements galore, and a crib and co-sleeper, and clothes, and birth kit, and all of it, all set up and ready for this little one’s arrival…and I’m STILL in partial disbelief that this is actually happening. That I’m going to have THREE children to care for and be in charge of every single day, for what feels like the rest of my life.
And I’ve found myself dealing with this pregnancy TOTALLY different than I did with either of my first two. First, I complain a lot more. Have you read my twitter? Pregnancy is all I can seem to talk about lately. I don’t know what happened to me.
I think it’s how I’m coping. With my fear of being overwhelmed. With my fear of never being my own independent person again, with the time and space to think all my grand deep thoughts and pursue my own passions and endeavors. I felt like I was just starting to find my footing. I was just starting to write and feel and HOPE. Just starting to figure out the things I really, really want to do with my life (so what if I’m in my mid-30s? It’s never too late, right? 🙂 )
And just when I thought I was maybe ready to move past the baby-making stage of my life…this third pregnancy snuck in.
And I AM happy about this third child. I really am. Babies and new lives are ALWAYS precious. Hence also why I explored out all my thoughts in my blog post Why Have Kids? (and also responded to a couple, well, disparaging, comments). I love both of my kids now so much, and I can’t wait to get to know and fall in love with little “Freddie” too.
I hope I haven’t been too annoying talking about this pregnancy so much. Complaining about it so much. Yes, late pregnancy is so much more physically demanding trying to chase 2 other little ones. And yes, our tiny house is starting to feel extremely cramped (but then again, I’m kind of proud of how we’re making our small space work). And yes, this pregnancy has meant that I have to step back a little longer from developing or pursuing my own dreams for anything.
I know that I really have nothing to complain about.
Even my daily stresses, even when I think my sanity is falling apart and there’s no hope to salvage it so I send the kids to bed early and pray they fall asleep quickly so I can wallow in my disaster of a house that’s way too cluttered and I just want to go to sleep and hope a magic fairy comes and fixes it all before I wake up tomorrow – even then…I have nothing – TRULY – to complain about.
But thank you for letting me whine and complain about this pregnancy and for (hopefully) not judging me too harshly for it. Or unfriending me. (I hate this world we live in now where being “unfriended”, even over inconsequential, daily actions, is an actual, legitimate, concern).
Only a couple more weeks left until I can pick things up off the ground again like a normal person.
Soon and very soon.
This stage of life of will be over.
And someday, I’m sure I will miss.
But I just can’t imagine that day right now.