Why do I have this blog? And why do I spend so much time on this and keep blogging?
See, I tend to take on too much. I’ve always been like this. I’m not good at waiting for things to come to fruition, and so, during inevitable slow periods that wax and wane over the journey of each project I bide my time by finding something new and interesting and jump on that bandwagon instead. And then I throw myself into it…until the initial excitement slows down and I find myself at yet another pause in that project’s journey. Then I layer on another something else to distract and divide my time with.
The cycle never ends, and I always burn myself out. Previous promising ideas get left by the wayside because I lack – ok, truthfully it’s because I lacked even from the very beginning – the dedication to the follow through….all the way though.
- The baby item I invented and began to develop and applied for a patent for?
- The direct marketing company I signed up with and sort of did ok with at the beginning?
- The book club I was going to start through it?
- That support group of other families that work in the entertainment industry I wanted to set up?
- That homemade cloth diaper cover venture I was going to run through etsy?
I throw so much time and energy and passion and mindspace at what eventually becomes wasted time, wasted energy, wasted passion, wasted mindspace. It’s not that I never cared about any of these things. It’s that I care about too many things and want to do it all.
I can’t do it all.
So here’s what I’ve (FINALLY) done. I’ve narrowed it down. To the two things that – amidst all my other continually growing endeavors I throw myself into – always nag at me in the back of my mind. That push me on. The two things that I can’t just let go of. That I do because I can’t imagine not doing them…because I’d do them for free (ok, that I already do for free! but hey, if I can get money out of it too, why not?).
But they are terribly impractical pursuits. Whereas, despite all my hair-brained ideas, I’m actually terribly practical in actuality. I (now not-so-)secretly get a bit annoyed at people who think that they are somehow different/better than everyone else and deserve to chase lofty, unnecessary, and impractical dreams (yes, I am fully aware of the irony of this in regards to the life my husband and I lead and the dreams we chase. Sigh…humans are complex).
I don’t want to be better than everyone else.
But maybe it’s time to accept that I’m kind of a little bit different. In the way that we’re all kind of little bit different from everyone else. We’re all in different positions in life. With different abilities, passions, and connections.
This is where I am.
This is what I have.
This is what I can do.
And what I feel constantly drawn to.
So let’s see this thing out.
I enjoy writing. I was not an English major (My degrees have been in Electronic Media, History, and Secondary Math Education…total blogger material, I know). Spelling has always been my poorest subject. I’m not always great with grammar. But I think a lot. And I’ve been online journaling since practically the beginning of internet time (livejournal? dland? blogger? anyone else? man, I’m old 🙂 ). Typing out my thoughts in a somewhat public sphere is not new to me.
I can do this. And for whatever reason, I feel drawn toward this.
And I completely credit both the journey this very blog has taken me on over the past two years, as well as the journey KP and I have taken this year.
And for #2, dare I even say it?…
Like for real. I think I could write another script. With my husband again. Or by myself. Writing our script together was – not gonna lie – excruciating. Mentally painful. But exhilarating at the same time. I’m not comfortable talking about details yet, but suffice it to say that we’re still…ever so slowly…pursuing this. It’s been a long process so far and still has so much to go before getting anywhere and I’ve wanted to pull my hair out so many times over it all.
But it’s been exhilarating.
And I think the writing bug may, just may, have bitten me.
Thankfully, I have a husband who works at an entertainment-related day job so that we’re able to manage with me just working part-time at my evening online math tutoring job. *My* day job of course being: kids. But this gives my mind the room to develop ideas and thoughts and pursue these two deep-seated passions of mine.
Now I just have to keep my mind on task.
I officially let my patent application (heh, wanna see it? Click the link. 🙂 ) become abandoned. I signed up for another consignment sale next month and plan to purge, just to simplify. I think I’ve settled into an easy (aka “lazy”) way to homeschool my daughter. I passed off all my Usborne inventory to another consultant and am stepping back from this (I’m still a consultant for the discount for myself though because man, I still love these books!). I ended up not teaching the math homeschool classes I was considering (though I’ve been asked about next semester now and…I don’t know, I gotta think on this…).
I’ve got to focus on the goals that I actually want to pursue for the long term.
And gosh darnit, though I feel a bit guilty and impractical admitting this – I want to write.
Because, somehow, someway, I HAVE to write.
So here I am. This is my blog. I got a snazzy new design. I’m a mom, but this isn’t a “mommy blog”. I write about things that are important to me. Things that I need to get out. I blog for ME. I will write about marriage. I will write about survival. I will write about chasing Hollywood dreams with a family in tow. I will write about wanting to make an impact on the world, however I can, from wherever I, with whatever I’ve been given.
Yes, I’ll still write reviews for things I like, because I like things and want to tell people about good ideas. But. I will be truthful. Because, like, really, I can’t not be. I like poker, but I’ll never be good at it because I can’t bluff convincingly.
Oh and yes, by the way, in case you were wondering, I do know how to swear (see, look: fuck, shit, asshole, bitch, damn, bastard – aren’t you super proud of me now?), I just don’t feel the need to limit my vocabulary to these terms in order to show my audience that I’m a bad-ass mother who don’t take no crap off of nobody. But, but, but…how else will people believe me as a blogger and that I keep shit real yo, unless I interject my writing with expletive flourishes??
Hah. So yeah. I swear I can swear. I just don’t. Call me a pearl clutcher if you’d like; I won’t take offense. You do you with your common vernacular…and I’ll do me without. Cool? Cool.
I’m sometimes too serious. I’m sometimes too goofy. I don’t always understand everyone else or how I’m “supposed” to be. I read all about the things a good little blogger is supposed to do…but I usually don’t do them. Instead, I do what seems right to me.
So here we go. I want to keep this blog. I want to reach people. I want to lead people to cool stuff I like and hey, if I can get enough referral/affiliate credit through it in order to pay for the upkeep of the blog, then that’s pretty awesome.
But first and foremost. I want to have a voice, however small it may be. I want to reach out to others. I want to be here, quietly, until the day someone needs my words, does a search and lands here.
So I’m doing it.